April 2, 2008

My dark storm cloud

I mentioned before about being depressed. I still am. I have felt a dark cloud over me. As I searched for a picture this morning of a dark, stormy, yucky, ugly looking rain cloud, (cause that's how I feel), I couldn't find one. Every single one I saw had beauty in it. I had an moment of clarity. Every hard, scary, sad, bad, whatever, time I'm facing or are in, it has it's purpose. I am not looking for the beauty in it. All I see is the dark, turbulent time. I just need help seeing it. Everyone around me is trying to help me see it but I don't want to. Or I am afraid to see it. I am fearful of what might be when the clouds are lifted. Inside me I know, I know my Father in Heaven loves me and has so many blessing waiting for me. I just have to ask. I know He will get me through this. He always has. I just have to rely on Him. 
I am going to write my fears, inadequacies, and worries here and now and move on. But I think, for me, I have to put them down, on "paper". 
I doubt myself as a mother. I don't do the things I want to do or think I should with my kids. I lose it with them more than I keep it. I want to provide them with every opportunity they need and want. I want to teach them more about the gospel and have them love and rely upon it as I do. I want the financial security that it will take to provide for our children (if you only knew how bad it really is). We need / have to move. I don't want my children to hate me for taking them away from their friends and everything they know. I want to provide a better life for them. 
I want to be more organized. I have stacks of things everywhere. I don't know where anything is. My house is a mess. I am a mess. I am out of shape - FAT really - I eat so badly! I am not setting a very good example for my children, especially my girls, of how to be a strong vibrant woman. I have put too much on my plate. 
I am not practicing my faith and relying on it. I do have faith. It can be very scary to use it though. Why is that? 
I am moving forward. I need to see where I am at. As I look back at the things I have written, I can see that things aren't so bad. If I change the word want to have, I can change my life. I know the sun is coming out from behind the clouds. I'm going to post about the wonderful blessings I have in my life a little later. No need to comment, I just needed to get this out of my head, but I love to hear other's experiences and what worked for you. 


Tristan said...

Oh my dear Hillary! I know how ya feel! We all feel like this at some point. It is good to let it out and face it. I think it helps you to heal. You and I are going together. I will be calling you! That is a promise and a threat!! ;)

Amy Jorgensen said...

Hey Hillary --
I am there with you! Do you know why I posted that beautiful picture of my family at the top of my blog? Because we look NOTHING like that now. Every time I log onto my blog, I see that picture and try and feel motivated to get my hiney in shape. Financially, we have a light at the end of the tunnel, but it has been a very long tunnel, and I'm afraid to hope that there will be a time when I don't have to account for every penny, and I don't have to rely on my family and friends for hand me downs. And, I don't know how long Scott will be able to practice medicine because he has a very severe case of diabetes that, if he does not control, will take his sight. No such thing as a blind radiologist. Life is full of fears, and every day we fight to overcome them. The key is to keep fighting...Here's my motto in life..."Never stop starting"...think about it. As long as you keep trying, you have not given up. Sorry, don't mean to lecture...I just wanted to say I know where you're at...I trod that road often.

katie said...

No need to comeent? you are a silly girl. Of course I need to comment.

Take it from me Hillary, a better day is coming. You always get to start new the next day. Everyday. Never fails.

I feel that way too about the boys. I wish I did more with them. I wish I didn't lose it quite so much with them. And then sometimes I go to bed at night mad at myself because I let another day slip by that I didn't turn my "I wish" into actually doing something about it.

Believe me, I know. I think we all do.

I also think our kids are smarter than we give them credit for. And they know when we are tired. And they accept it, and they love us just as much anyway. They too, know tomorrow is a new day.

It's the little things in life that count Hillary, and we all know you do plenty of them. You know I admire all you do for your family, it's amazing. Your faith is amazing.

A new day will come.

Phoebe said...

You have felt this way before and you will probably feel this way again. That is how life works (unfortunately).Just remember that you are very capable, you are very faithful and you have been promised great blessings because of it. You WILL get through it. And someday your children will realize how much you have done for them, and that will be a testimony in and of itself.
Keep on keeping on! And simplifying ALWAYS helps.

Katie said...

I know how you feel. I feel this way more often then I should. You and I can both have membership in the Crappy Parent of the Month card. I lose it all the time. The other day I gave my son a spank because he just wouldn't get dressed. I felt like a creep. But, fortunately for me, he got over it long before I did. As for faith. I struggle too. Don just got called to be Elder's Quorum Pres and I am like, "Are they sure this is the wise choice?" I could do better with my prayers and scripture reading. I could do better with my tithing (sometimes I forget because I hate thinking about bills..thus other problems). I could do better over all. I also think this way when I am having a bad day. Today is not such a bad day. I did a lot of TCB (taking care of business). I feel better after doing at least one thing such as pay the bills, clean the kitchen, load of laundry, play with the kids instead of yelling at them... So, keep you chin up. Things do get better. Give yourself a break.

heidizinha said...


i'm so glad you posted your struggles, because we all have them and ignoring them never helps.

we moved twice growing up--SF to LA when i was 7, then LA to utah when i was 14. although it WAS really difficult for me at the time, i really really appreciate it now. each place offered me new perspective and a chance to start over. i really think moving teaches your kids invaluable lessons about growth, change, and making new friends. i know my parents felt terrible each time they uprooted their family, but like i said, i can really see how it blessed all of our lives.

and why do we, as woman, never ever ever feel adequate?

Janelle said...

So this is really stupid but,
sometimes I invision a sumo wrestling match in my head where faith is one contender and doubt/fear is the other. The goal is to push doubt and fear out of the ring. Faith wins, and I feel better. Faith is hard work and if your faith sumo guy keeps winning, you can start to feel better faster. (I warned you this would be stupid.)

AND, your kids won't hate you if you move. They are super fun, socially capable people. They probably would not even hate you if they have to give up something to have their mom back.

Good luck you are a wonderful person.

Lorena said...

I applaud you for putting your thoughts on "cyber" paper.

I know we don't know each other very well, but I want to let you know that I often feel just like you do. I am not the wife and mother that I envisioned myself to be. However, who is? I try to love who I am and the circumstance that I find myself in.

I really do think that we expect way too much of ourselves. I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who loves us in spite of our flaws.

Take baby steps on your way to recovery...and let me know if you need anything.

Celia Fae said...

Dear Hillary,
I loved your insight about the sun peeking through the clous and how beautiful the storm can be.
I have lots to say about depression, but the main thing is this: anti-depressants. There is a reason they exist. If you don't take it, you might want to try, and if you do, then you might need to switch. Breakthrough depression happens when your medication isn't working anymore.

andrea said...

hang in there. my lowest low came the year before my divorce. i felt like i was dying. actually, dead, because i had no emotion left whatsoever.

and now, i am perhaps the happiest person on earth. so keep that bottom picture of the sun peeking over the clouds, because sooner or later, it always comes out.

Denae (a.k.a. D-dawg) said...

Hillary, I just hope you know that we all feel this way a lot. It is normal and there are lots of ways to get better. I remember very little about my childhood and that always comforts me when it comes to my kids... they probably won't remember all the mistakes I make. Sometimes to just have to hang on, even if you're barely hanging on, and wait. It will get better! I think you're a wonderful person with so much to offer and you have a beautiful family and you're doing you're best and that's is good enough for now. Keep blogging... I think it's the therapy we all need.

HappyMan said...

"God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them."
-Genesis 1:27-

No matter what kind of state we are in right now, we are originally created to be as great as God is. Just slowly and at your own pace let that words sink into your mind.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
-Philippians 4:13-

Finally it doesn't matter where one is, "Above every dark clouds is a BRIGHT SUN that never fades".

We have no choice but to accept that.

God Bless...